Wednesday, July 10

One mournful post.

It's the first day of Ramadan, and 7 days to my 19th birthday. I've passed my high school life. Graduation Day, Prom Night, ah, I've been there and I'll never forget that I wore my widest smile there. I got into University of Indonesia, Faculty of Social and Political Science majoring Business Administration. I got everything I want in a whole package, complete with the pink satin sashes

before the hurricane came.

I always want to get in to the college life as soon as possible because 4 years of high school was very sick and I've been begging God like everyday to give me some new friends. Some loyal, and kind college mates. To be honest, my last 3 years of high school was kinda drama. I hate a few of my friends and I cried a lot secretly and begging God to make this end soon, yet sometimes I still hanging out with some of them. Some of my classmates were awesome, seriously, they think before they talk, they never bring me down. But some are not. Most of them hurts a lot of time. Oh, have I told you that I hate new people? Yes, I hate new people. As much as I want some new college friends - or probably new bestfriend I still and always hate the newcomers. I have a theory about new people in my life; they hurts me. They don't know anything, but they act like they were right. They are just simply irritating. And now, the old ones are the best. I should've spent more time with my old friends where I used to call them "family".

It's like slipped to a whole new life without someone who has been there for me for about 4 years and it feels strange. Strange, in a very pathetic meaning. (I really hate to say this) I was dumped. Although his reason was unacceptable, no, it's not that unacceptable but I still don't get why would a guy like him made a decision so easily and just threw our memories like it never even happened. It's like, just a second when I thought my life was perfect, it's not. But over all I'm proud of myself for not sinking too deep to a field of sadness. I mean, I won't let that guy's decision disrupt my life. Everyhing happens for a reason, ait? Whether it's good or bad reason, it leads you to a better life.

Gosh I'm typing this and I feel like a real adult.

No, I'm lying. I don't feel like I'm an adult. I'm a sort of teenager that spilling her feelings on her blog, listening to the iTunes instead of doing something useful, and pretending that her life is okay.

I don't think the phrase that "Family comes first" is fits for me these days. I'd rather put God on the top like a cherry on a cup of ice cream, and friends or anything fun on the second layer as the whipped cream. I won't tell too much but the thing is, I'm in my weakest phase of life. I always thought that I was born to make my family even fused. Well I did it, but not this time. Lots of awkwardness spreading to every corner of my house. I don't feel like "I'm home" when I spin the door handle before I stepped my feet to the living room. I don't feel like I have to tell any interesting story to tell to my mom or dad like I used to, like most of youngest daughter in the world used to. Because everytime I tried to, it feels like standing on a flimsy branch; you just don't want to wreck it because it has lost it's nutrients or something that supposed to make them tough. You just don't want that interesting story become a bridge that brings you back to the mournful phase. Because everytime I see my parents laughing, I also notice that there's a pocket of disappointment behind their eyes. And it really brings me to that mournful phase. I'd rather be quite, sleep and daydream all day long on my bed. I kinda lost that happy feeling when I'm home. But again, everything happens for a million reasons.

Just, don't waste your time. Love your loved ones.

"Make everyday count. Even when you think it's the worst day of your life, for you never know when it'll be your last."


R said...

It sucks to hear that you didn't end up on good terms with your ex. Don't mean to sound patronizing, but if I could give you a few advice.... please please save your own heart for goodness' sake. Don't let him or anyone hurt it. I guess Allah SWT made a good decision to keep us away from having boyfriends. It is sweet n sugar in the beginning but is (and always will be) hell at the end. Wait for the one that deserves you best, one He has chosen. Believe me you can quit 'trying' around. We don't have to comply to all society 'rules', you know? I know you're a strong girl, in fact, one of the strongest I've ever known. Here's some loving and warm hugs. And please smile. It hurts me to see you break down.

Cheers and smiles,
an 'old' friend

moty, said...

Hi there, my 'old' friend. Wow your words were probably the sweetest thing I've ever read during my sorrows. Thankyou, I do really appreciate your advices, your sympathy and those virtual-warm hugs. That guy is just not-that-into me and so do I to him. InsyaAllah I'll take a good care of my heart after this. Anyway it'd be very great if you greet me without concealing your identity :)

Sending ya my warmest hugs

k mc said...

hai kak, I'm not an old friend nor those 'new people', just simply a stranger that happened to love your blog. It's weird but I just want to remind you to always be happy. This may sounds sok tau but I know few people who love you, and I know you do know it that you have bunch of people that care and love you. Okay I don't even know what I'm talking about haha. Bottomline, good things are coming your way so always be happy Kak Moty :)

blowss said...

This is what I feel either, don't mean to diffuse to your sorrow but I do feel like you feel. I can't deal with new people, it means that I'm terribly social awkward and those your statements describe my endlessly expression. Then what a surprise, you are actually "cancer" so I don't get any confused why your words represent how I feel.

Congrats and welcome to UI's folk anyway! Unintentionally, I'm your senior but in legal scholar unfortunately. Warm regards :D